How soon is too soon to date after a divorce?

Is there a right time to start dating again?

No. There is no official waiting period, no number of months that makes it respectable, and no point at which you're too late. The right time is when you feel ready, and only you can judge that.

Friends and family will have opinions. Some will tell you to get back out there straight away; others will raise an eyebrow if you so much as download an app. Both usually come from love, and neither knows exactly how you feel. A divorce after twenty years and a break-up after two are different things, and so is ending something you chose against something that was chosen for you.

It can help to stop thinking of it as one big step. You don't have to go from "not dating" to "dating" overnight. You can dip a toe in first: set up a profile, have a look around, chat to one or two people, and see how it sits with you.

Signs you might be ready

You're probably ready to try when the idea of meeting someone new feels more interesting than frightening. Here are some other good signs:

• You can talk about your ex, or the end of the relationship, without it taking over the conversation.
• You want to meet someone for who they are, not to fill an empty evening or make someone else jealous.
• You've started to enjoy your own company, at least some of the time.
• The practical side, such as where you live, money and arrangements for any children, is settled or heading that way.
• You can picture a date going badly and shrug it off.

None of these needs to be perfect. Most people still have the odd wobble months or years later. Ready means ready enough, not completely healed.

Signs it might be too soon

It may be worth waiting a little longer if dating feels like something you have to do rather than something you want to do. Watch for these:

• You're mainly hoping a new person will make the hurt stop.
• You find yourself comparing everyone to your ex, for better or worse.
• You check whether your ex has seen your profile, or you'd quite like them to.
• You still hope you might get back together.
• Thinking about a date leaves you anxious for days.

If several of these ring true, that's not a failure. It just means it's not quite time yet. Give it a few weeks and come back to the idea later.

Dating while separated but not yet divorced

Yes, you can date while you're separated, and many people do. Divorce takes time, so waiting for the final paperwork can mean waiting months. What matters most is being honest with the people you meet and keeping the practical side tidy.

Separation simply means you and your partner have stopped living as a couple. A divorce is the legal end of a marriage (a dissolution ends a civil partnership). The rules differ across the UK:

This guide isn't legal advice. If you're wondering how a new relationship might affect your divorce, a financial settlement or arrangements for your children, check Citizens Advice or speak to a family solicitor before things get serious.

A few practical points while you're separated:

1. Say so early. "Separated, divorce under way" on your profile, or in your first few messages, is enough. People appreciate knowing where they stand.
2. Keep it off social media for now. New photos of you and a date can land badly while arrangements with your ex are still being worked out.
3. Keep children out of it at first. Our guide to single parent dating covers when and how to introduce someone new.
4. Don't use a date as a sounding board. Your solicitor, your friends and a counsellor are better placed to hear about the legal battle.

Rebounds: should you worry?

A rebound is a relationship you start mainly to get over the last one, rather than because of the person in front of you. Not every early relationship is a rebound, and some lovely couples met a few months after a break-up.

The useful question is why, not when. If you're dating because you'd like to meet someone and enjoy their company, the timing matters less. If you're dating to prove you're over it, to get back at your ex or to avoid a quiet house, it's worth noticing that, and being straight with the people you meet.

It's also fine to say you're not looking for anything serious yet. "I'm newly single and taking things slowly" is a perfectly reasonable thing to tell someone, and the right people will respect it.

How to talk about your ex

Keep it brief, kind and in the past tense. Your date wants to know that the last relationship is over and that you're not carrying it around. They don't need the whole story.

Example: "I was married for twelve years. We split last year, it was the right thing for both of us, and we get on fine as parents."

Example: "It ended a while ago and I've had some time on my own since. I'm in a good place now."

A few things to avoid on early dates:

• running down your ex, even if they deserve it;
• going through what went wrong, blow by blow;
• comparing your date with your ex, even favourably;
• checking your phone every time your ex messages about something small.

If your date asks a question you're not ready to answer, it's fine to say so. "That's a longer story, but I'll tell you one day" is honest and keeps things light.

Going slowly

Going slowly means doing things in small steps and checking how each one feels before taking the next. Think of it as wading in from the shallows rather than jumping off the end of the pier.

1. Set up your profile. Write a few honest lines and add a recent photo. Our profile tips will help.
2. Have a look around. Browsing costs nothing, and you don't have to message anyone yet.
3. Chat to one or two people. Keep it light. Our guide to first messages has examples.
4. Have a phone or video call. It's a gentle way to see if you click before meeting.
5. Meet for something short. A coffee or a walk somewhere public, an hour or so, with an easy way to leave. If it's been a while, read our guide to your first date in years.

You can stop at any step, or stay there a while. Nobody is keeping score.

Staying safe when you're new to it again

Online dating may look different from the last time you were single, so it's worth refreshing the basics. Meet in public, tell a friend where you'll be, and get yourself there and back.

It's also worth knowing about romance fraud, which is when someone builds a fake relationship online to get money or personal details. Be wary of anyone who declares strong feelings very quickly, always has a reason not to meet, or mentions money in any form. Never send money to someone you haven't met. Our safety page and guide to romance scams explain the warning signs and where to report.

Looking after yourself

Dating is meant to add something to your life, not take it away. If it starts making you feel worse, step back for a while. You can always come back to it.

If the end of the relationship is still weighing on you, talking to someone can help:

• Your GP can talk through how you're feeling and what help is available locally.
• NHS Talking Therapies offers free talking therapy in England, and in many areas adults can refer themselves. In Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, start with your GP.
• Relate offers counselling for individuals as well as couples, including support after a break-up.
• Samaritans are there day or night on 116 123, free from any phone, if you're struggling to cope.

How Fish For Singles works for starting again

Fish For Singles is for people getting back in the water after a break-up, a divorce or a long while on their own. Joining, creating a profile and browsing are free. Reading and replying to messages needs a paid membership; see prices for the current options, and how it works for the rest. Profiles are shared with partner sites in the same network, so some people you see will have joined elsewhere. Go at whatever pace suits you.