What to say about your past on a first date

The one-or-two-sentence rule

On a first date, say enough to be honest and no more. One or two sentences about your last relationship, said calmly and in the past tense, tells your date three things they want to know: you've had a life, it's over, and you're not carrying it into the room.

What it shouldn't be is a story. The full account of who said what, the solicitor's letters and the row over the dog are for close friends, a counsellor or, much later, a partner who asks.

A useful shape: what it was, that it's ended, and where you are now.

Example: "I was married for eleven years. We split two years ago, it was the right call, and I'm in a good place now."

What your date actually wants to know

Most people on a first date aren't trying to audit your past. They're quietly checking a few things:

• Are you really single? Separated is fine; "it's complicated" is not reassuring.
• Are you over it? Not perfectly healed, just not still in it.
• Is there anything that affects them? Children, distance, how often you're free.
• Are you kind? How you talk about an ex says a lot about how you'd treat them.

Answer those and you've done the job. Everything else can wait.

Example lines for common situations

These are examples to borrow the shape of, not scripts. Change the words so they sound like you.

If you're separated rather than divorced, say so early. Our guide to dating while separated explains why, and what differs across the UK.

Things to leave out on a first date

Some subjects reliably make a first date harder. Leave these for later, or for never:

• Blame. Even if it was entirely their fault, it sounds bitter on a first date.
• The legal battle. Settlements, court dates and solicitors' bills.
• Comparisons. "You're so much funnier than my ex" is still about your ex.
• Their new partner. Not a word.
• Your phone. If your ex messages about something small, it can wait.

When you're asked more than you want to say

It's fine to set a boundary, and to do it lightly. A smile and a short line is enough:

Example: "That's a longer story. I'll tell you one day, but not over the first coffee."

Example: "It ended a while ago and we're both better for it. Tell me about you."

If someone keeps pushing for detail after you've said that, notice it. Curiosity is normal; insisting isn't.

When they talk too much about their ex

Nerves make people overshare, so give it a minute. Then steer gently towards the present: "It sounds like it's been a tough year. What are you looking forward to now?" If the ex is still the main topic by the end of a second date, they may not be ready yet, and you're allowed to take that into account.

What to share as things get serious

As a relationship grows, some bigger conversations become fair and necessary. A rough order that works for many couples:

1. The fuller story of your last relationship, once you trust each other.
2. Children and arrangements, before your partner meets them. Our guide to introducing children to a new partner covers timing.
3. Sexual health, before you sleep together. NHS sexual health clinics are free and confidential, and staff won't share what you discuss, even with your GP, without your permission.
4. Money and the practical side of your divorce, once you're talking about the future together.
5. What you each want, such as living together, more children or none.

What not to share online yet

Online, the rule is tighter: share your story, not your details. Until you've met and trust someone, keep your surname, address, workplace and your children's names and schools to yourself. Be wary of anyone whose sad story arrives very quickly and ends with money. Report Fraud's advice is to get to know the person, not the profile, and never to send money. Our guide to spotting a romance scam explains the warning signs.

Practise it once, out loud

It sounds odd, but saying your one or two sentences out loud before a date really helps. Say them to a friend, to the mirror or in the car. The first time, they'll probably come out too long or too wobbly. By the third, they'll sound like you, calm and finished.

When they have a past too

They will. Listen with the same kindness you'd hope for: let them say their sentence or two, don't press for detail, and don't trade stories to compare whose break-up was worse. A good response is short and warm: "That sounds like a lot. I'm glad you're out the other side." Then move the conversation on to something you can both enjoy.

What you hear is useful, too. Someone who talks about an ex with fairness, even about a hard ending, is usually showing you how they handle difficult things. Someone who blames everyone they have ever dated may be showing you something as well. You don't need to judge it on the night; just notice it.

If talking about it is still hard

If you can't talk about your last relationship without it taking over, that's useful to know, not a failure. It may be worth waiting a little longer, or talking it through with someone first. Relate offers counselling for individuals after a break-up, and our guides to how long to wait before dating again and rebuilding your confidence may help.

How Fish For Singles fits

On Fish For Singles, nobody asks why you're single again. Say as much or as little about the last chapter as you like on your profile; our profile tips suggest a single honest line. Joining and browsing are free, and reading and replying to messages needs a paid membership.