Dating again after a long relationship

Why it feels so different

After a long relationship, you're not just single again. You're learning to be one person instead of half of a pair. For years, decisions about weekends, holidays, friends and even what to have for dinner were made together. Dating asks you to turn up as just you, which can feel oddly exposed.

The world of dating has changed too. If you last dated before smartphones, the idea of messaging someone for a week before meeting them may feel strange. It isn't hard, just unfamiliar, and unfamiliar wears off quickly.

Get to know yourself as a single person

Before you look for someone new, it helps to spend a little time with yourself. Not because you have to be "fixed" first, but because it's hard to say what you want in a partner when you're not sure what you want on a Saturday.

Small ways to start:

• Do something you used to love and dropped because your partner didn't.
• Try one new thing a month. A class, a walking group, a day trip on your own.
• Arrange your home the way you like it. A different chair in the window counts.
• See friends you drifted from. Most will be glad to hear from you.
• Notice what you enjoy alone. It's useful information for later.

You may find you're good company. That's worth knowing before you go looking for more.

What has changed since you last dated

Quite a lot of the method, and very little of the rest. Most people now meet through a dating site or app, chat by message first, and often have a short phone or video call before meeting. First dates tend to be short: a coffee, a drink or a walk. Splitting the bill, or taking turns, is common and nobody minds either way.

If the online part feels daunting, our guide to online dating when you're out of practice explains it from the beginning, and your first date in years covers what's different about the date itself.

What you're bringing that's an advantage

People coming out of long relationships often underrate themselves. You probably know far more than you did at twenty-five:

• What matters to you. Kindness, humour, reliability, shared values.
• What doesn't. Height, a perfect job, a matching taste in music.
• How relationships work day to day. The washing up, the in-laws, the bad weeks.
• How to talk things through. Even if the last relationship ended, you learned a lot about what helps and what doesn't.

Use that. You can be clearer about what you're looking for, and quicker to notice when something isn't right.

Settle the practical side first

Dating is easier when the practical side of the old relationship isn't still in crisis. That doesn't mean everything must be finished, just steady enough that it isn't taking over.

If you were married, our guides to dating after a divorce and dating while separated cover the legal side in each part of the UK. If you lived together without marrying, it's worth knowing where you stand:

This is general information, not legal advice. If you have children together, the arrangements for them come first; our guide to dating while you co-parent covers that.

Shared friends and a changed social life

After a long relationship, your social life may have been shared too: couple friends, the other parents at the school gate, your ex's family. Some of those friendships will carry on, some will fade, and a few may take sides. That's painful, but it's common, and it isn't a measure of your worth.

A few things that help when you start dating:

• Keep dates away from shared circles at first. Dating a mutual friend, or someone at the same club, can be lovely, but early on it gives everyone something to talk about.
• Tell the friends who matter yourself. Better they hear it from you than from a photo.
• Build some friendships that are just yours. A class, a team or a volunteering shift gives you people who knew you after, not before.
• Don't expect your ex's family to be pleased. Kind and brief is the right tone if your paths cross.

What to expect from the first few dates

Expect them to feel different from your old relationship, because they are. Years of shared history built a comfort that no first date can match. If you measure every new person against that, nobody will measure up.

A few things that help:

1. Keep first dates short and low key. An hour, somewhere public, with a natural end.
2. Judge the date, not the future. Did you have a pleasant hour? That's enough for now.
3. Notice comparisons, then set them aside. Your ex was your only reference point for years.
4. Give chemistry a little time. Comfort and spark don't always arrive together.
5. Say how you're doing. "It's my first date in a long time" is honest and usually charming.

When old feelings come up

They will, and that's normal. A song, a place or a date that does something your ex used to do can take you by surprise. Missing the life you had doesn't mean you made the wrong decision, or that you're not ready. Grief and relief often arrive together.

If dating keeps stirring things up, step back for a few weeks. If you feel low most days, talk to your GP; in England you can also refer yourself to NHS talking therapies. Relate offers counselling for individuals after a relationship ends, and Samaritans are there on 116 123, free, day or night. Our guide to rebuilding your confidence has gentler first steps.

How Fish For Singles fits

Fish For Singles is for people starting again after a break-up, a divorce or a long while on their own, so you won't be the only one here after a long relationship. Joining, making a profile and browsing are free, so you can wade in slowly. Reading and replying to messages needs a paid membership; see prices.