Dating while you co-parent

What co-parenting changes about dating

Co-parenting means two separated parents sharing the job of raising their children, usually with an agreed pattern of who has them when. When one of you starts dating, the pattern doesn't change, but the feelings around it can. Most of the work is keeping the two things apart: the relationship you're building, and the arrangement you share.

The good news is that a steady co-parenting routine actually helps. You know which evenings are yours, the children know where they'll be, and you can plan dates without juggling. The aim is to keep it that way.

Keep dates on your own time

Date when the children are with their other parent, at school, or asleep with a sitter you trust. Avoid swapping or cutting short the children's time with either parent to fit a date in. Children notice when plans move around, and your ex will notice too.

A few habits that keep things calm:

• Don't reschedule handovers for dates. If you need to change something, ask for the reason you'd give any other week.
• Keep the phone in your pocket at handovers. A message from a date can wait five minutes.
• Don't ask the children about the other parent's love life, and don't share yours with them through the children.
• Keep the language neutral. "I'm seeing a friend tonight" is enough for younger children.

Our guide to dating as a single parent has more ideas for fitting dates around family life.

Do you need to tell your ex?

You don't need your ex's permission to date. While it's early and casual, it's your business. Once a relationship is serious and the person is going to meet your children, it's usually kinder and calmer to tell the other parent first, so they hear it from you rather than from a seven-year-old in the car.

Keep it short and about the children:

Example: "I wanted you to know I've been seeing someone for a few months. I'm thinking of introducing them to the kids, briefly, in the next few weeks. Happy to talk about how we handle it."

You're not asking for approval, but you are inviting a sensible conversation. If your ex has a genuine safety concern about the person, listen. Our guide to introducing your children to a new partner covers timing and the checks you can make.

When your ex starts dating first

It's common for one parent to move on sooner, and it can sting even if you were the one who ended things. Give yourself a day or two before replying to news like this, and keep any response about the children.

Fair questions to ask: when will the children meet them, how will it be explained, and will anything about the routine change? Questions about the new partner's looks, job or past are best kept to yourself, or to a friend.

Keep the arrangements steady

The arrangement you've agreed for the children is the thing to protect while either of you dates. If you haven't written one down, it may be worth doing now, while things are calm.

In England and Wales, GOV.UK explains how to make child arrangements without going to court. In England, Cafcass's online parenting plan, part of its Planning Together for Children programme, is available without a referral. If you can't agree, help is available in each part of the UK:

If you decide to go to court in England and Wales, GOV.UK says you'll usually need to show you've tried mediation first. Mediation isn't suitable for everyone: if your ex has been abusive, say so, and look at the help below.

Money: what dating does and doesn't change

Dating on its own doesn't change child maintenance. The Child Maintenance Service works out payments from the paying parent's income, and a new boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't appear in that sum.

Moving in together is different. If you get Universal Credit, you and a partner who moves in are usually treated as one household, and the claim has to change. Gingerbread, the single parent charity, also points out that maintenance may need to be looked at again if the children start spending more or less time with each parent. Before anyone moves in, read Gingerbread's guide to moving in with a new partner.

What to say to the children, by age

Children pick up on more than you think: a new name in conversation, a new mood, a phone that pings at dinner. You don't need to explain dating to them, but if they ask, answer simply and honestly.

Whatever their age, avoid making them a messenger between homes, and avoid running down the other parent's new partner in front of them.

When it gets serious

At some point, the person you're seeing may be ready to meet your children, and later your ex may meet them too. Take it in that order, slowly. The first meeting between a new partner and the other parent is best kept short and polite, ideally at a handover once the children already know your partner well.

If the person you're dating has children of their own, our guide to meeting your partner's children is written for that side of things.

If there are safety worries

If your relationship with your ex was controlling or abusive, dating and handovers can bring it back up. You can get confidential help from the National Domestic Abuse Helpline in England on 0808 2000 247, Live Fear Free in Wales on 0808 80 10 800, Scotland's Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline on 0800 027 1234, and the Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline in Northern Ireland on 0808 802 1414. The Men's Advice Line is on 0808 801 0327. In an emergency, call 999.

How Fish For Singles fits

Fish For Singles is for anyone starting again, and co-parents fitting dates around a shared week are very welcome. Joining, making a profile and browsing are free, so you can look around on the evenings the children are away. Reading and replying to messages needs a paid membership; see prices. Before you meet anyone, read our safety advice.