Why can't I message someone on a dating site?

You've found someone whose profile made you smile, you've written something you're quite pleased with, and the message won't send. Or the conversation you were enjoying has simply gone. Before you decide it's something you did, it's worth knowing how often the reason is a setting or a membership rather than a person.

This applies to most dating sites and apps. Fish For Singles can't see or change anything on another service, but the reasons are much the same everywhere.

Messaging may be a paid feature

On many dating sites, joining, building a profile and browsing are free, but sending or replying to messages needs a paid membership. If you see a prompt to upgrade when you press send, that's what's happening. It isn't a fault, and it isn't about the person you're writing to.

Before paying, check how the membership renews and how to cancel. Our guide to cancelling a dating subscription explains what to look for.

Their settings leave you out

People set filters for age, distance and sometimes other things. If you're outside the range they've chosen, some sites won't let you message them, or won't show them your message. It isn't a judgement of you, just a slider somebody set months ago.

Our guide to age range settings explains how these filters work, and why a few years either way can matter.

They've blocked you or closed their profile

If a profile vanishes from your searches, your conversation disappears, or the message button stops working, the person may have blocked you or closed their account. Most sites deliberately don't say which, to protect everyone's privacy.

It stings, but it's part of dating again for everyone. People close profiles because they've met someone, need a break, or simply weren't ready. Please don't try to find them another way. Let it go, and give your attention to people who are glad to hear from you.

New account or message limits

Some sites limit what new accounts can do for a short while, to stop fake profiles and scammers. Others hold back early messages that contain phone numbers, email addresses or links, for the same reason. If your message didn't send:

• take out any number, address or link and try again;
• if you're new, wait a little and check whether the site has asked you to confirm your email;
• check whether you've reached a daily limit, if the site has one.

How to unblock someone

If you blocked someone yourself and want to undo it:

1. Open settings or privacy.
2. Find the list of blocked members.
3. Choose the person and unblock them.

On some apps blocking can't be undone, and you'd have to wait for them to find you again. Unblocking doesn't send a notification, so they won't know unless you write.

When to report rather than reply

Sometimes the problem is the other way round: someone keeps messaging you after you've said no, asks for money, or pushes you to move to another app straight away. That's when to block and report, not reply. If someone asks you for money, stop contact and report it. In England, Wales and Northern Ireland that's Report Fraud; in Scotland, call Police Scotland on 101.

Messaging on Fish For Singles

On Fish For Singles, joining, creating a profile and browsing are free. Reading and replying to messages needs a paid membership. [[prices]]

If you're not sure what to say once the message button works, our guide to first messages is a good place to start, and romance scams covers the warning signs to watch for.