Dating again after being cheated on

It wasn't a verdict on you

Being cheated on often comes with a voice that says it must have been your fault: not attractive enough, not interesting enough, not paying enough attention. That voice is understandable, and it's wrong. Someone else made a choice to deceive you. Whatever else was going on in the relationship, the cheating was theirs.

You'll probably still go over what happened, and that's part of getting through it. But it helps to keep two questions apart: what you'd do differently in a relationship next time, which is worth thinking about, and whether you deserved it, which you didn't.

When you might be ready to date again

There's no set waiting time. A better sign is why you want to date. If you want to meet someone and enjoy their company, that's a good reason. If you mainly want to prove you're still desirable, or to show your ex you've moved on, it may be worth waiting a little longer.

Other signs you're ready:

• You can talk about what happened without it taking over the conversation.
• You can imagine trusting someone, even if it would take time.
• You're not assuming everyone new is lying.
• A quiet day without a message wouldn't send you spiralling.

Our guide to how long to wait before dating again has a fuller readiness check.

Healthy caution or old wound?

After being cheated on, your alarm system is understandably sensitive. The trick is learning which alarms are about the person in front of you, and which are echoes of the last one.

When you're not sure, ask calmly and listen to the answer. Someone worth trusting can handle a straightforward question.

Letting trust build

Trust is built through behaviour, repeated over time. You don't have to hand it over on day one, and asking someone to earn it gradually is healthy, not paranoid.

What tends to help:

1. Watch for consistency. Do they turn up when they say? Do their words and actions match?
2. Say what you need. "I'd love a quick message if plans change" is reasonable and specific.
3. Notice your urges without obeying them. The urge to check a phone or social media is a feeling. You don't have to act on it.
4. Don't make them pay for your ex. A new partner can be patient with your past, but they can't be punished for it.
5. Give it time. Trust that grows slowly tends to hold.

What to say to someone new

On a first date, you don't need to mention it at all. If it comes up, a sentence is enough:

Example: "My last relationship ended because they were seeing someone else. It was hard, but I've done my thinking and I'm looking forward now."

As things become more serious, it can help to explain that it's made you cautious, so your partner understands your reactions. Our guide to what to say about your past has more example lines.

A sexual health check

If your ex was sleeping with someone else, it's sensible to have a sexual health check, even if you feel fine, because the NHS says many STIs have no symptoms. Clinic staff can advise on when to test. NHS sexual health clinics are free and confidential, and staff won't tell anyone, including your GP, what you discuss without your permission. You can find a clinic on the NHS website. It also makes the conversation with a new partner, when the time comes, much easier.

Social media, your ex and the other person

Being cheated on often comes with a pull to keep looking: at your ex's profile, at the person they were seeing, at photos of a life you're no longer part of. It feels like getting answers, and mostly it reopens the wound.

Things that tend to help:

• Mute or unfollow, at least for now. You can decide later whether to reconnect. Most platforms let you mute without anyone being told.
• Don't look up the other person. Whatever you find won't explain what happened.
• Keep it off your own posts. A public comment about the affair can follow you into a new relationship, and into any arrangements you still share.
• Ask friends not to pass on news. Most will understand straight away.

When you start dating, the same instinct can turn towards a new person's online life. Looking someone up once before a first date is sensible safety. Checking their every like and follow is the old wound talking.

Getting support

You don't have to work through this alone. Relate offers counselling after infidelity, and you can go on your own if your partner cheated and you're no longer together. If you feel low most days, can't sleep or keep going over it, talk to your GP; in England you can also refer yourself to NHS talking therapies. If you're struggling to cope, Samaritans answer on 116 123, free, day or night.

If the cheating was part of a wider pattern of lying, control or threats, that may be abuse. Free, confidential help is available from the National Domestic Abuse Helpline in England on 0808 2000 247, Live Fear Free in Wales on 0808 80 10 800, 0800 027 1234 in Scotland and 0808 802 1414 in Northern Ireland, as listed by GOV.UK.

Staying safe online

A bruised heart is exactly what romance scammers look for. Be wary of anyone who is unusually understanding very quickly, declares strong feelings within days, or steers the conversation towards money. Never send money to someone you've met online. Our guide to spotting a romance scam explains the warning signs, and our safety page lists the reporting lines.

How Fish For Singles fits

Fish For Singles is for anyone starting again, at a pace that suits them. Every photo is reviewed before it goes live, members can add an optional ID check to their profile and get a badge, and you can report or block anyone from their profile. Joining, making a profile and browsing are free; reading and replying to messages needs a paid membership. Start with our profile tips.