After a good first date: second dates, pace and going exclusive

Saying you'd like to see them again

If you enjoyed the date, tell them. A short message the same evening or the next day is all it takes, and there's no rule about waiting three days. People starting again often overthink this, but most of us are simply relieved to hear the other person had a nice time too.

Make it specific and easy to answer:

Example: "Thanks for today, I really enjoyed the walk, and I'm still thinking about that story about your sister's caravan. Fancy doing something next weekend?"

If you're not sure yet, you can still be warm without promising anything:

Example: "I had a lovely time, thank you. I'd like to meet again and see how it goes."

Our guide to your first date in years covers the first follow-up message, and how to say no kindly if the spark wasn't there.

Planning the second date

A second date should feel a step more relaxed than the first, not a leap. If the first was a coffee, the second might be a walk and lunch. If the first was a drink after work, the second could be a weekend afternoon.

Ideas that suit most people:

• A coastal or riverside walk with a café at the end.
• A market, gallery or museum, where there's always something to talk about.
• A quiz night or a gig, if you're both a bit shy and like having something to do.
• An early dinner somewhere you can hear each other.
• One of our outdoor date ideas.

Keep a few things in place from the first date: somewhere public, your own travel, a friend who knows where you are. It's still early days, and a little caution never spoiled a good afternoon.

Finding a pace that suits you both

There's no correct speed, but people starting again often find a gentle rhythm works best: once a week or so at first, with messages in between that don't need instant replies. It leaves room for children, work, friends and the rest of your life, which is exactly what you want a new person to fit around rather than replace.

If one of you wants to speed up and the other doesn't, say so kindly. "I'm really enjoying this, and I'd like to keep it at this pace for a bit" is a complete and reasonable sentence. If you have children, our guide to introducing them to a new partner explains why it pays to wait.

The "are we exclusive?" conversation

Being exclusive means you've agreed to stop dating other people and see where things go together. It doesn't happen automatically after a set number of dates, and it's best not to assume.

Many people dating again are talking to more than one person at the start. That's fine, as long as nobody's misled. A good time to raise exclusivity is when you'd feel let down to discover they were still seeing someone else. For some people that's after a handful of dates; for others it's after a couple of months.

Keep it light and direct:

Example: "I'm not seeing anyone else, and I'd like it to be just us. How do you feel about that?"

If they're not ready, that's an answer too. You can decide whether to keep seeing them while they work it out, or step back.

Once you've agreed, it's a kind signal to hide your profile or stop browsing. If you no longer need a paid membership, cancel it, because memberships renew until you cancel. Billing, cancelling and refunds explains how.

When old habits and old hurts show up

A new relationship can stir up the last one. You might feel anxious when a message takes a few hours, or find yourself waiting for the catch. That's very common, especially after a divorce or being cheated on.

A few things help:

• Notice the feeling before you act on it. A slow reply is usually just a busy day.
• Say what you need, simply. "I'm a bit out of practice with this. A quick message if plans change would really help."
• Don't test them. Going quiet to see if they chase you tends to backfire.
• Talk to a friend before you send anything sent in a wobble.

Intimacy, at your own pace

There's no timetable for becoming intimate, and nobody should feel pushed. When it feels right for you both, it's sensible to talk about sexual health first. It's a normal conversation, and easier if you've both been tested. NHS sexual health clinics are free and confidential.

Signs it isn't going anywhere

Not every promising start turns into a relationship, and that's fine. Signs it may be fizzling:

• Plans are always made by you, and often cancelled by them.
• Conversation stays on the surface after several dates.
• They talk mostly about their ex, or about themselves.
• You feel more anxious than happy after seeing them.

And a few signs to take seriously at any stage: pressure to move faster than you want, anger when you see friends, secrecy, or any request for money. Report Fraud's advice is never to send money to someone you've only met online, however sad or urgent the story. Our guide to dating again after a controlling relationship covers early warning signs in more detail.

Ending things kindly

If you decide it's not for you, a short, honest message is kinder than silence. After a date or two, a message is fine. After several dates, a phone call or a conversation in person is more respectful.

Example: "I've really enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't think we're right for each other, and I didn't want to leave you wondering. I wish you all the best."

If they end things with you, it hurts, especially when you've only just found your feet again. Let yourself be disappointed, then remember that a couple of good dates mean you can do this. The tide always comes back in.

How Fish For Singles fits

Fish For Singles is dating for anyone starting again, at their own pace. Joining, making a profile and browsing are free, and reading and replying to messages needs a paid membership; see prices. You can report or block anyone from their profile in the members area.