Meeting your partner's children for the first time

Let your partner set the pace

The decision about when you meet their children belongs to your partner. They know their children, their ex and their family's history, and they're the one who has to deal with the fallout if it goes badly. Wait to be asked.

If you'd like to meet the children and it hasn't come up, it's fine to say so once: "Whenever you think it's right, I'd love to meet them. No rush." Then leave it. Asking again and again sends the opposite message to the one you intend.

It also helps to know what your partner is weighing up. Our guide for parents on introducing children to a new partner sets out the questions they're likely to be asking themselves.

Questions to ask before the day

A short conversation beforehand saves a lot of guesswork. Useful things to know:

What to do on the day

Be friendly, interested and a little bit boring. That's not a criticism: the less the meeting feels like an event, the easier it is for the children.

1. Arrive on time and dress normally. You're not going to an interview.
2. Say hello to the children directly, at their eye level if they're small, and then let them come to you.
3. Follow the activity. Throw the ball, push the swing, ask about the game they're playing. Activities give everyone something to do with their hands.
4. Ask open, easy questions about things they like, not about school reports or their other parent.
5. Leave when you said you would, even if it's going brilliantly. Ending on a high is good.

Good first meetings tend to happen in parks, cafés, swimming pools, bowling alleys or on a walk with something to look at. Our outdoor date ideas work just as well with children along.

What not to do

Most first meetings that go wrong do so because an adult tried too hard. Things to avoid early on:

• Big presents. Something small to share is fine; anything that needs unwrapping can wait.
• Affection with your partner. Holding hands, kisses and private jokes can upset children who are still adjusting.
• Discipline. Leave it to their parent, even if something bothers you.
• Talking about their other parent. Not a word of criticism, ever, even if the child starts it.
• Comparing them with other children, including your own.
• Posting photos of them online. Not without their parents' clear agreement, and ideally not at all at first.

Reactions you might get

Children's reactions vary hugely, and none of them is a verdict on you. Younger children may be curious and chatty, then suddenly shy. Children between about five and eleven often worry about loyalty to their other parent, which can come out as coolness or rudeness. Teenagers may be polite and distant, or very direct.

Stay steady whatever happens. If a child is rude, let your partner deal with it later and carry on being pleasant. Coram Family Lives says each member of a new stepfamily adjusts at their own pace and setbacks are normal, which is worth remembering on a bad day.

Questions children may ask you

Children are direct, and some questions arrive without warning. It helps to have a calm, honest answer ready, and to agree the big ones with your partner beforehand.

If you don't know what to say, "That's a good question. Let's ask your dad" is always fine. It hands the answer back to the right person.

Building a relationship over time

After the first meeting, things move at the children's pace, not yours. A few principles that help:

• Be consistent. Turning up when you said you would builds trust faster than anything you say.
• Find one shared thing. A card game, a football team, baking, a series you both like.
• Keep some time for them and their parent alone. Children need to know they haven't lost their mum or dad to you.
• Don't try to replace their other parent. You're a new adult in their life, not a substitute.
• Agree house rules with your partner, in private, before you ever enforce one.

Overnight stays, holidays and moving in come much later. When you get there, our guide to your first holiday together covers travelling with children, and Gingerbread's guide to moving in with a new partner covers benefits, maintenance and housing rights.

If you have children too

If you're both parents, there are two sets of introductions before the joint one. Let each set of children meet the other adult first and get comfortable. When everyone meets, choose somewhere neutral with an activity they can all do, keep it short, and don't expect instant friendship. Children don't have to like each other just because their parents do.

Our guide to dating as a single parent covers your own side of this, and dating while you co-parent looks at how your ex fits in.

When it's hard

Being the new adult in a family can be lonely at times. Talk to your partner about how it feels, early and kindly, rather than letting it build up. Coram Family Lives has advice on stepfamilies and a free helpline on 0808 800 2222, and Relate offers counselling for couples and families.

How Fish For Singles fits

Fish For Singles is for anyone starting again, and many people who are starting again have children, or are happy to date someone who does. There's a profile field for whether you have children, and a line in your own words can say you'd happily date a parent. Joining, making a profile and browsing are free; reading and replying to messages needs a paid membership. See prices for the details.