Does sharing a hobby matter in a relationship?

The short answer: it helps, but it isn't the glue

A shared hobby makes it easier to meet and easier to plan time together, but it is rarely what keeps a couple together. Shared values, kindness and respect for each other's time matter more.

That's worth saying on a site built around angling. A love of fishing is a brilliant opening line. It tells you someone is happy outdoors, can cope with an early start and probably owns a decent flask. It doesn't tell you whether they're good with money, want children, or go quiet for three days after an argument.

What a shared hobby gives you

An easy way to meet. Shared interests put you in the same places: the club lake, the tackle shop, a match day, a site like this one. That's half the battle, and our guide to meeting people through angling clubs shows how to make the most of it.

Ready-made dates. If you both love fishing, a free Saturday plans itself. You'll rarely run out of places to go or things to talk about.

Understanding. Your partner gets why you'd set an alarm for 4am, why a blank day can still be a good day, and why a new reel is a reasonable purchase. You don't have to justify the thing you love.

Shared stories. Couples who do things together outdoors build up a collection of them: the one that got away, the day it snowed, the time the dog went in.

What the research says about doing things together

Studies of couples suggest that doing new and challenging things together is linked to feeling more satisfied in the relationship. The key word is "new": the benefit seems to come from novelty and growing together, not just from repeating a routine side by side.

In a well-known set of experiments published in 2000, researchers found that couples who took part in a novel, mildly challenging activity together reported higher relationship quality afterwards than couples given a mundane task. Later work has pointed the same way, linking "self-expanding" activities with more desire and satisfaction in established couples, and suggesting new shared experiences may help partners feel more secure with each other.

What this means in practice:

• A shared hobby is a head start, not a guarantee. The same swim every Sunday can become as routine as anything else.
• Mix it up. A new venue, a different method, a fishing trip somewhere you've never been, or a day doing your partner's thing instead.
• Non-anglers aren't at a disadvantage. Trying each other's interests counts as doing something new together, and may count for more.

The research looks at couples in general, not anglers in particular, and it doesn't say couples must share a hobby. The sources are listed at the end of this page.

What matters more

A hobby can bring you together; it's rarely what keeps you together. Couples who last tend to share the bigger things:

• values, such as how you treat people, money and family;
• what you want from life, including where you live and whether you want children;
• how you handle disagreements, and how you make up afterwards;
• kindness and respect, on good days and bad.

Two anglers who disagree on all of those will struggle, however much they love tench. An angler and a non-angler who agree on them can do very well.

Three ways couples handle a big hobby

There's no right model. Most couples settle into one of these, and many move between them over the years.

If you're not sure which you are, try a short session together and see how it feels. Our guide to fishing as a first date is written for exactly that, and outdoor date ideas covers the days when nobody wants a rod.

Same hobby, different habits

Two people who both "fish" can want very different weekends. It helps to know what kind of angler you're dating before you assume you're a perfect fit.

• Short sessions or long ones. A pleasure angler might fish a few hours on a Sunday morning; a carp angler might plan a 48-hour session in a bivvy.
• Competitive or relaxed. Match anglers fish to a draw and a weigh-in, often every week in season. That suits some partners and not others.
• Tides, rivers and seasons. Sea anglers plan around tides and wind. River coarse anglers in England and Wales can't fish for coarse fish on rivers from 15 March to 15 June, so their spring may look very different from their summer; stillwaters and canals stay open all year.
• Coarse, sea or fly. Each crowd has its own rhythm, kit and venues. Our angling section describes what each is like and the kind of dates that suit them.

None of these is a deal-breaker. They're just worth knowing early, so nobody's surprised in month three.

When sharing a hobby causes friction

Even a shared hobby can cause problems. Most of them come down to expectations nobody said out loud.

• Competitiveness. If one of you always catches more, it can stop being fun. Some couples fish different swims, or different methods, for exactly this reason.
• The permanent teacher. If one person always teaches and the other always learns, it can start to feel unequal. A lesson from a qualified coach often goes better than one from a partner.
• No time apart. Fishing can be someone's thinking time. If you share every session, one of you may miss it.
• Different levels of commitment. One wants a gentle afternoon; the other wants a weekend on a carp lake. Agree what kind of trip it is before you go.
• Money. Kit, tickets and trips add up. Agree what's shared and what's personal spending before it becomes a sore point.

When you don't share it

Lots of couples have one angler and one person who doesn't fish. It works when:

• the non-angler is genuinely fine with fishing time, not secretly resentful;
• the angler makes real time for the relationship and doesn't treat it as second place;
• each has their own interests, and is curious about the other's;
• there's some overlap, like walks, the coast, food or travel.

Our guide to dating someone who fishes goes into the practical side, and fishing holidays for couples covers trips that work for both.

Questions that tell you more than "do you fish?"

A few open questions early on show whether your lives fit, hobby or not. These are examples to adapt, not a script:

1. "What does a good Saturday look like for you?"
2. "How much of your free time goes on fishing, and is that every week or more seasonal?"
3. "Is fishing your time to switch off on your own, or do you like company?"
4. "What else do you love doing that I wouldn't guess from your profile?"
5. "What would you want a partner to understand about your hobby?"

The answers matter less than the way someone gives them. Curious, honest and a bit funny is a good sign.

So what should you look for?

On a site built around angling, a shared love of fishing or the outdoors is a great place to start. But read the rest of the profile too: what someone says about family, work, kindness and what they want. Write yours the same way; our profile tips for anglers show how.

And if someone says "I've never fished, but I'd love to try", that's often the best sign of all. It shows curiosity, and curiosity goes a long way.

If a hobby ever becomes a real sticking point in a relationship, Relate, the UK relationship charity, offers counselling for couples and individuals.